I Just Know Now.

I have passed so much obstacles and heartbroke along my 24 years living. And this is the first time I feel like I couldnt describe the pain.

It was started back then when I discovered myself as a vaginismus survivor and still am figuring out alternate way out. As grown up in the East, virginity isn’t something easy to get rid off. Yet, because of the usuality using sanitary napkins instead of tampons, I just discovered that I am a survivor right after I married. 

I have kept my virginity for 24 years, hoping this would be a present for my future husband, hoping my first time will be with the person I marry. Qodarullah, this present talked the other way. Several symptoms have been considered and I was in the phase where I wonder why does it so painful, and hearing that I wasnt relax, I was worry too much, and I couldnt handle the pain. It hurts actually, but the lack of knowledge I knew towards vaginismus wasnt enough to counter my emotional pain. 

I felt I got no support in finding answer why did it happen and how to overcome. I felt I was belittled for not handling feminine pain as that was my first time. But Allah gave me answer through sudden valid articles & videos, and right there I knew I am a survivor.

In that video, the other survivor storied what and how she felt and I thought like it was me talking to the camera. Everything she said was indeed true. 

In that moment I still was little bit denying and talked to my husband. 

Until I faced that I was still not able to succeed the trial, I again find the answer, over again. To a doctor. To a survivor. And every answer led me to the conclusion that I am a vg survivor. 

In that time, exactly 2 days ago,

I feel my world is tearing into pieces but slowly,

Pain that coming slowly is more painful than the one come once fastly.

I feel my 24 years keeping was in faint if that made me acknowledge my illness late. 

For the other, this might be easy because they dont feel what we — survivor — feel.

“Just relax” they said.

“It is the pain you gotta feel for the first time try” they said.

when it was more to discouragement and the manifestation of belittle-ing for a survivor. 

But now I know,

I am finding the alternate way out for myself. I still am a woman even I have vaginismus (for now). I still am worthy even I am a vg survivor. Cs I believe, Allah will never give a struggle for His people if I couldnt bear. 

Indeed, every hardship comes ease. :)